The Break Down of Break Ups

Prologue

First of all, my apologies are in order to my readers and the others. Especially those ones that glance through looking for some profanity and a catch phrase, you know who you are. But most of all to the dedicated followers I love ya'll too. keep coming back. Not a lot has changed since the last time we met, Nana is still feeling the age, moms is still praying for my soul, desert heat is still in stores, Barack Obama is still kicking ass, John McCain is still in Pain, Dubai is still hot, Natalie Portman is still on fire and my face is still black !

Am trying to stay off the relationship blogs, you know the boy-girl talk, but its damn hard to do, cuz these days men can't seem to get it right and women seem intent on staying single.

It is true that recently, i have beeen totally uninspired, but to borrow the phrase of Sacalici, i have found ''perfection in my imperfection''.. So, that being said, i am back, open your arms, and take me in, this here is the return of the blogger !!
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The warning signs are pretty much the same, for most couples at least, don't let all these bullshit T.V shows fool you, Oprah is a liar, tell her i said so, ''i kid i kid i joke i joke''and Dr Phil, Ellen, Tyra, Teo, all those couch sitting, story telling hosts that invite some dumb ass to sit next to them and cry when everybody claps always piss me off. They always ask the same stupid question,
So what do you think happened ? How did that make you feel ? I just can't wait for the day, someone'll answer and say ''what i think happened is i slipped, bumped my head, and lost my mind and it makes me feel like i should kick you in the face till your make up runs red !

My parents seperated unofficially when i was 5 months old, my dad married a second wife, by the time i was 10, the split was kind of official, so everytime i run into some idiot that thinks he/she knows it all, they'll ask me how it has affected my relationship. Am fine, fuck you. Anytime i hear of some long term couple breaking up, i shudder, how do u go on after 5 years with someone ? You'll be so used to having that person around, eating, sleeping, talking, walking together and then suddenly ur alone. I would lose my mind if that happened to me, i would dress up my pillow, put her perfume on it, and name it after her. Come dinner time, it'll be, honey, come down to eat ! don't spill sauce on ur cover, you know you're wearing it to bed !

What leads to a break up in a perfect relationship ? Now, am not talking about the tramp you love and whos fucking everyone but you, cheating on your ass so much that even in bed when you're having sex, she imagines you're someone else and calls his name out, loud ! oopss

We're not talking about that dude that always has to 'go' right after he 'comes'

And am not talking about celebrity couples, hollywood hook-ups, its all for the photo op and publicity, like you really think Jay Z is gonna grow old with Beyonce, pleeeasee.. after it dies down, they move on. its part of the deal, read the contract !

Am talking about that real love, where everything is perfect, and then gradually, the cracks start appearing, the arguements, the fights, the misunderstandings, the silence, widening, sucking both of you into the darkness until finally someone explodes. You know its over because you stay out longer rather than return home, but you can't explain why. Are all relationships doomed ? Do they have a lifespan and does it vary from couple to couple ? Or it depends on the people involved, people always say opposites attract, is that the secret to a long lasting r/ship ?
Like a jamaican dating an accountant (baby lets get high: Noo, i have to balance this sheet) or a banker dating a gypsy (I brought you some gifts but i can't find them ? Oh they're for me, am sorry baby, i already stole them)
And then it all comes down to, he changed/she changed - hes a jerk/shes a bitch - he doesn't talk at all/she talks too much., he snores/she walks in her sleep with a knife in her hand !

And even though you're certain, you don't wanna let go because he/she is the 'one' and you might spend the rest of your natural life being miserable if you break up, at that point in time, you still go ahead, and slam the door and walk out, not looking back, head all heavy, shoulders falling down, seeking a new start, and making plans, thinking about what you're going to do with your freedom, ignoring temporarily the price you will pay for it. (Your hands will suffer).

Your's Sincerly
A Saint & A Sinner

Love or Lust @ First Sight

Its been a while since my last blog post, i do admit i’ve been kind of lazy these days plus i was walking through my own personal hell, without the devil as a guide so i wandered like a lost soul on the way to redemption. But anyways, am back, so sit back, adjust your monitor, dim the lights in the room, recline your seat all the way to the back, re-fill your cup and settle down to enjoy another episode of the 80’s Baby.

When in the presence of a member of the opposite sex that you find Hot, cute,, attractive sexy-as-a-motherfucker or all of the above, The feelings are all too familiar, butterflies in the stomach, weakness in the knees, glazing of the eyes and even in some extreme cases, dizziness, (yea some people may faint or pass out) fucking weirdos !

Am not going to quote numbers or polls but I’ll bet if you ask 100 men about the first thing they notice in a woman, 95% of the answers you’ll get will be those 2 magic words ‘Tits & Ass’. They might take it back, especially after you raise an eyebrow or sharply rebuke them and give them a look that implies ‘come on man, are you so vain’? whatever comes next is just an after thought, i can assure you, the truth has been spoken, write it down ! But don’t be alarmed fellas, at least 90 % of ladies will tell you the first thing they notice in a man is his ‘Build & Height’ and if the man was standing butt naked, 100% will notice his lil' soldier first before the color of his eyes.

There are girls that’ll comment on this blog and protest but i can prove it, show me a beautiful woman that is in love with a short, fat, bald and broke man and i might change my opinion. So, how do you fall in love at first sight? Is that really correct, if the first thing you notice about someone is their physical attractiveness, which implies sexuality, that naturally means, first time you set your eyes on them, your mind did the nasty. You don’t notice someone’s personality across the room standing in a corner, but you notice the broadness of his shoulders or the size of her bra, you notice the length of his trousers or the size of her thong (at least you can guess and if you don’t nail it, you would be very close). Is that love or lust ?

I truly will be checking my comments because i am curios on how ya’ll define it. As usual speaking from a guy’s perspective, it is lust, because you don’t want to hold hands and go to the gallery with tits & ass , you want to be indoors, praying it keeps raining outside, phone right by your bed to keep ordering food, and all alone in a dark room with tits & ass. So from the moment you set your eyes on her, everything happens in seconds, you start growing a third leg suddenly, and your lips go dry. This, you horny bastard, is not the feelings of love at first sight, this is pure lust.

Ladies’ll pretend like they got it under control, even if their heart rate does double right after setting eyes on ‘The Man’ and even if within 2 minutes they have married him, had his first baby, and are carrying his second in their mind, day dreaming while wide awake, she’ll still roll her eyes and play it cool because as per rules of society, a woman can’t just go ahead and lust, not if she wants to keep her good name at least, i know a couple of girls that don’t give a fuck, and would tell you, its a free world, true...true, i agree but that's really up to you to decide if you want to be known as a slut or as a good girl. Regardless, the truth is ma'm those feelings are not the symptoms of love at first sight, but pure raw lust.

So do we love @ first sight or do we lust @ first sight? Can you tell the difference? Or can you prove being attracted to someone physically is not the prelude to being attracted to them sexually? I sincerely doubt this, every odd couple you meet (hot wife & ugly husband, cute husband & ugly wife) will always tell you it happened after they got to know each other better, they got to talk, to walk, to try to make it work . I've been here 2.5 decades and i have never seen or met an ordinary ugly ass dude married to a super model or universally accepted hot woman after they fell in love at first sight and don’t you dare mention SEAL and Heidi Klum because that doesn’t count. Why? The man is a millionaire, multi platinum selling artist and a Grammy Winner, he’s far from ordinary and with a voice like that, he doesn’t need the looks or the books on sex, he can sing to her in the dark and she’ll probably orgasm. Go figure !

Your’s Sincerely
A Saint & A Sinner

Family Reunion

What is it that we all have in common apart from ‘friend zones, prison break, and halle berry ? Family Reunions – that unavoidable day, brought upon us all by some special occasion, ritual, or tradition. I know us black folks have it worse than most of the other races because we normally have at LEAST 200 immediate family members and 500 extended family members. I dare you to doubt me, and i’ll furnish you with details of my own family which is not even considered large by African standards, my grandpa was a rabbit and a horse all together i guess, how else can you explain over 15 uncles and 25 aunts, (you have to multiple that by 5), thats just the official no.

So, its Easter, or Eid, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or Anniversary or a Wedding or a Funeral or Baptism or Graduation and preparations are in full swing, food and drinks are bought, the cake has been ordered, the living room and/or garden has been cleared to make more room, the kitchen laid out to look like a mess hall in the army barracks, and the night before you had considered all your options and brainstormed on how you could simply miss this day. You thought about a trip but your parents quickly shot you down ‘you can leave tomorrow evening, with your uncle and aunt’, then you thought about having an accident, falling down the stairs and breaking your leg but you don’t wanna be in a cast for weeks or months, then you thought of running away from home, but then you don’t want 120 family members walking around the neighbourhood putting up posters and flyers with the ugliest picture they could find of you, as you got more desperate, you asked yourself the ultimate question – is it worth dying for ? definitely not, 24 hours can’t equal eternity....... or at least so you believed, you’re in for a shock !

The first to arrive are usually the ones who live the farthest away, you know those ones you see once a year and you actually missed a little, they bring gifts, their cute little kids, albeit a year older, and you smile to yourself and say, it’s not that bad after all. Next to arrive, your maternal uncle and aunt that your dad can’t stand, and as if fate loves games, right after them, comes your paternal aunt that your mom can’t stand, you know the one that thinks your dad made a terrible mistake marrying your mom and should have married her friend instead, the smiles fade to frowns in seconds, and she immediately comments on your moms flowers, hair, cooking, home arrangement, design or dress and gets a nice tight response from her. It’s On !

The house gets packed, the little cousins, nephews, nieces, all up in your room, destroying everything in sight, damaging anything that looks expensive and ignoring the cheap stuff, makes you feel like those little bastards are on a mission. You yell at them, they scream, and run to their mom in tears only to be back after 15 minutes to spill some juice over your laptop and touch the screen with chocolate stained fingers. You lose count of the faces, and then the compliments begin, then the arguements, and finally the bragging. This is usually saved for when everyone is gathered at the table to eat, the loud mouth aunt usually goes first.

Aunt Big Mouth – We bought a new car again, it’s the new model, just launched in the market this year, it was a special order from germany.
Aunt Bigger Mouth – We bought a new house, right on the hill, we don’t need cars, we have 5 already, we're thinking of building a mall now.
Aunt Biggest Mouth – Am running for Mayor, i think it’s time, everyone is begging me to do it, and am way hotter than Sarah Palin !
Uncle Loser – I’m looking for a new job, those assholes fired me for having a little drink in the morning.
Uncle Big Shot – Am getting transferred to head the office in Dubai, but i don’t want to go, i want to be close to all of you
Everybody almost at the same – We haven’t seen you in 4 years, stop lying !
Cousin Trouble – Can i leave ? my friends are waiting outside, i’ve got something to do
Cousin Sexy – I can’t eat this, am going to get fat !
Grandma – Looks around the table confused, ......Where is Grandpa (he passed away 5 years ago)
You - Can you all please just shut the fuck up !? ( in your mind ofcourse)

And on and on it goes, but between the laughs and the jeers, the smiles and frowns, the news and the gossips, the updates and the post dates, the hugs and the kisses, the trips to the kitchen and bathroom - on load the food/ off load the food, and especially the noise and the sudden silence when a lost one is remembered, you realize there is no place else you’ll rather be on that given Sunday.

You love them, you hate them, you’ve missed them but you can’t wait for them to leave. And then they go just like they came, one after the other, slowly, stopping by the kitchen to stuff some more cakes in paper bags, drinks under their arms, your nephews and nieces on their shoulders sleeping, yawning, complaining about work the next day, you walk them all to the door, to the car, order the taxis, and say your goodbyes and as you shut the door for the last time that night, you peep into the kitchen, see the dirty dishes piled up and once again for the second time in 48hours, you contemplate suicide.

Your’s Sincerly
A Saint & A Sinner